“He’s not going that fast…”

Not you heckling the Tour de France riders whilst smashing vino and cheese in a French bistro 🙄

Watching other people do excruciating physical exercise whilst you eat and drink yourself silly? Welcome to the holiday of dreams 🚲

Let's follow the Tour de France round its most beaut stages - from quaint Medieval towns to arse-clenching mountains.

The 2022 Tour for Dummies

“I go deep with everything, whether that’s a bike race - or going out on the piss. That’s just the way I am.”
- Geraint Thomas, Tour de France rider and all round legend ❤️

The Welshman is also one of only a couple of riders who could challenge Tadej Pogačar. Pogačar is part man, part machine, and part mountain goat 🐐 He’s only 23 (looks 12) and he’s won the Tour de France twice. Mental. A third win this year would secure his spot as a living legend.

The Slovenian has had a pretty perfect season - he made his home Tour looks like child’s play and racked up 10 victories 🏆 Buuuuut the Slovenian Tour is no Tour de France (soz lads).

When he’s not out on the lash, Geraint Thomas is leading Ineos Grenadiers. The 36 year old is in good form having just won the Tour of Switzerland 🧀 Another contender is Pogačar’s own countryman (it’s all getting very Game of Thrones), Primož Roglič. He’s probs the only other rider that’ll pose a threat… he’s also known for crashing all over the gaff 🤦

Listen, Pogačar will be pretty untouchable in the time trials and the mountains - half goat, remember. This cat and mouse game will come down to the teeniest tiniest of opportunities, and if Thomas and Roglič can harness their experience to topple Pog.

Copenhagen - Stage 1

Copenhagen are celebrating the Tour in the most Danish way possible - they’ve donated 9,000 balls of wool to residents of care homes so that they can knit a massive, fuck-off yellow jersey.

We don’t deserve the Danes.

Cycle paths have been painted yellow and bridges wrapped in yellow fabric 🌞 Street parties kick off on the 1st. There'll be normal stuff, like special restaurant menus, and then stuff like the Viking Biking Escape where tourists get chased by virtual vikings as they cycle 🪓

This stage will take in Ice Age Alpine ascents, the island of Funen, and a Viking kings burial place. You win, Copenhagen. You win.

Lille - Stage 5

Pick up the Tour again at stage 5 in Lille. Home to Nobel Prize winners, actors, footballs, and a stew richer than Jeff Bezos.

Watch the riders grind it out over this hilly stage as you chow down on the local specialty - Carbonnade Flamande 😋 It’s beef simmered in Belgian beer, then tossed in meaty stock and mixed with caramelised onions. Follow up with Vieux Lille - this cheese will put hairs on your chest.

Tick off LaM before you leave - it’s a modern art gallery with art by Picasso and Joan Miró 🖼

Megève - Stage 10

Megève is where skiers & jazz musicians sit down together and eat fondue 🫕

It’s also a pretty special section for yer man Chris Froome (GB cyclist) - it was here that he won the individual time trial in 2016. Toast his success at Les Cinq Rues 🎷 Join the crowds of long coats smoking outside the lit up cobbled building on the corner of Passage Cinq. The sweet sound of the sax and a man in black greet you at the doorstep - this tiny club’s one of the big players in the French jazz scene.

Alpe d’Huez - Stage 12

Welcome to The Snowy Pits of HELL 🔥 ... AKA Alpe d’Huez.

For spectators, this stage is stunning. It’s got the kinda powdered sugar peaks that you just want to smash your face into like Scarface. For riders, it’s a brutal climb that has 21 bends, but a crucial one that can decide the outcome of the race overall.

Marco Pantani holds the record for the fastest ascent - just 37 minutes and 35 seconds 👏 Yep, it’d take you a lifetime and all the EPO in Lance Armstrong’s trailer.

Carcassonne - Stage 16

Stage 16 is the stage immediately after the riders' rest day. It’s got a trippy "we’re nearly there but we’re sooooo tired" vibe 🍭 Made worse by all the mind-bending herbal liquors and wines you’ll try in Carcassonne.

Punt down the Canal du Midi in dappled French sunshine and visit the Universal Cassoulet Academy 🥘 We shit you not. This place is a shrine to cassoulet - a white bean casserole with melty meats. Au Lard et au Cochon does one of the best.

Paris - Stage 21

You scoop up a baby from the crowd and hold it Simba-style above your head whilst chanting “BICYCLETTE!! BICYCLETTE!! BICYCLETTE!!”

It’s the only French word you bothered to learn.

The baby’s mother is now rugby tackling you to the ground but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Because you’re standing in the golden glow of the Champs-Élysées watching the Tour de France 2022 winner being crowned 🥹 After being released from a French holding cell, you spend the night eating baguettes and garlicky escargot.

J’adore 💛